Self Improvement – Page 3 – Confidence Reboot

I have seen some of the funniest and most confident guys completely lose their cool around a girl they like, girls that they find attractive, or any girl that they don’t know very well. They can even become mean towards the girl they find attractive. I've seen lots of strategies. Sometimes they work, but most often they don't and guys end up losing their chance altogether. The reason for this is more than just shy awkwardness because most guys can be confident in just about any situation except when they approach a girl. I've had a lot of guys ask me what they should do when they are around their crush. The most awkward one was when the guy I liked asked me how to act around another girl he liked... ugh. First, here is the short answer. How Can I be Myself Around Girls? Don’t Adapt or Modify Your Behavior to Appear More Attractive. Look for Compliance Testing and Fail On Purpose Don't Try to Make Women Happy. Don't Focus on a Specific Outcome. The More Focused You Are on Getting a Specific Outcome, the More Elusive it Will Become. Take the Pressure Off of Yourself. Actively Listen and Engage in the Conversation. Remain Calm. Don't Seek Validation from Her (Ever) Monitor Your Body Language and Avoid Excessive Interest At least that's what I've always told my brother and my other guy friends, and it's worked well for them. I'll never forget one of the best advice I've gotten from a friend of mine since high school, David. He said to me once, "If I had to change to impress her, she wasn't worth my time." Following these tips may seem easier said than done, but I am going to give you an in-depth analysis to help you use them. In the rest of this article, we are going to explore these four tips and other techniques that will help you keep your cool around women. Being Yourself - Will She Think I'm Weird? Ironically, being yourself can sometimes be difficult, especially around the opposite sex. You might be scared to show your true self or unsure of who your true self even is. Feeling like this can be overwhelming and result in you coming off as awkward or shy. Here's a good exercise. It's called "mirror work." The best part is that you can start doing it today if you're lacking confidence and it can make a huge difference. Here's how: Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself something positive such as "I am handsome" or "I am confident" or "I am fun..." whatever you want to tell yourself that's good about you. Remember, you first have to like yourself before you can expect others to really like you. When you do, everything will fall into place. It takes a bit of practice and I'm going to warn you that it won't feel natural, but if you give it a chance, over time, you will notice that it gets easier and you begin to whole heartedly believe what you are telling yourself. Tips to Being Yourself Around Girls Most people usually equate being yourself with being confident, and there is a good reason for that. When you are being your authentic self, you feel more comfortable saying how you feel and talking about your interest. Being comfortable enough to be yourself around others is the definition of confidence. Remind yourself that other people's opinion about you is none of your business. Stay in your lane. Other People's Opinion About You is None of Your Business! Unknown Remember, there is nothing more attractive than confidence. When a man is confident, he comes off as honest and collected. You want to be confident in who you are. There is nothing less attractive than a guy pretending to be something he’s not. The guys that got most of my attention were not always the most popular. They were the guys that knew how to carry themselves. The funny ones. The nice ones. The ones that didn't mind talking to me when it wasn't popular to talk to someone like me (a not so popular nerdy Asian girl) Why is it Hard to Be Yourself? It’s hard to be yourself because you are scared of rejection. We all are. It seems natural to put on a facade when getting to know a girl or when meeting new people. This behavior is like a safety blanket because it makes us feel safer when socializing. You feel less vulnerable not telling people about the real you and more likable acting like someone else. You’ll end up hurting yourself in the long run by not being yourself because you don’t want to be rejected. Don't get me wrong, there's a time for everything. For example, when you're just getting to know someone, it is not necessary for you to share with her that you haven't changed your underwear in seven days because you think it's funny and she might find it funny. She may or she may not. You may try to adapt or change yourself to be perfect for someone else, which isn’t genuine or enjoyable after a while especially for you. You don’t want to build a friendship or relationship on pretense. Not being yourself is the same as lying about who you are. And the worst thing about that is, you can actually feel how inauthentic you are. You have to come to terms with the fact that you don’t need to be like everyone else. The world needs you, not another version of someone else. Girls are more impressed when a guy is his unique true self rather than pretending to be the ideal guy. There are hundreds of guys out there trying to fit this unrealistic mold, but only one guy just like you. If you feel the need to change who you are for other people, then chances are it’s not going to work out in the long run. Eventually, anything you said or acted on that wasn’t honest to who you are will be exposed. You will also become resentful for not being able to be your real self in a relationship or friendship. Do yourself and others a favor. Just be you. Let yourself be vulnerable and let other people see the real you. This way, you will be comfortable, confident, and you don’t have to stress about being anything you aren’t. If they don’t like you who cares because you are being true to yourself. What if You Don’t Know Who You Are? Then get to know you. One of my mentors, Bob Proctor, often said this quote and it didn't really resonate with me the first time I heard it until I went through my own process of getting to know me. It was not pretty. It took a lot of courage. "If I want to be free, I've got be me. Not the me I think you think I should be. If I want to be free I've got to be me. So I better know who me is.” Bill Gove He heard that from Bill Gove. There is no right or wrong way to to get to know yourself. Depending on where you are in your life, sometimes the process can take months, even years. It is what I referred to as "un-becoming" because you're just peeling off layers and layers of identity that wasn't really you, but you thought was you because your surroundings taught you so. Why is getting to know who you important? Most importantly, what is the self-image you hold of yourself? It's important because when you're good with who you are, you wouldn't worry so much about what others think and you wouldn't have to pretend to try and impress a girl, or anyone for that matter. You might for a second but it goes away immediately. You would be free to be who you are and that's confidence. Confidence is a superpower because it's super sexy. I wrote an article Is Confidence Sexier than Looks. It covers the fine details on whether confidence is more important than looks. It could help you understand what is really going on for the girl you like, wink. Back to self-image. So here's the cool thing about self-image. If you take an honest assessment of yourself and find things that you'd like to improve, you can change it. Here are a few things that you can look at and see if there's any improvement you'd like to in these areas: How you do things, such as talking, personal hygiene, eating, etc. Your favorite people, places, or things Things you enjoy doing The way you interact with others The way you are also received or perceived by people can indicate what's going on inside. One of the hardest things I've ever done for myself was to ask the people around me, both close and acquaintances, what they liked about me and what they think I could do differently or change. Now let me WARN YOU if you are going to do this, be open and receptive to what they have to say and don't get mad if you didn't like their answers. This doesn't mean that they are right or wrong, just a place to evaluate yourself from other people's perspective. You can accept it or reject it. Just give it some thought. Chances are, there might be a common theme you would find that could use a little (or a lot of) improvement. Take the Pressure Off A lot of times, guys will put a ton of pressure on themselves by having unrealistic expectations. Start allowing things to be. You don’t want to let your imagination run wild with different scenarios of how things could go wrong because it will put you in the wrong mindset. Don’t put pressure on the situation because then you can’t enjoy the moment. Don't stay too much in your head or you'll miss being with the girl. Worst-case Scenarios - Don't mess this part up Expectations can really take you out of reality, especially when you are entertaining worst-case scenarios. Worst-case scenarios are when you think of the worst possible outcome or event taking place. You may imagine how you’ll react or if it’s even worth it to try. It’s not enough to just say don’t think about negative expectations and scenarios. Sometimes it seems like our minds do whatever they want to do. You’ll have to train yourself not to be so negative. As soon as you catch yourself heading in that negative mindset, redirect yourself with a happy thought that makes you smile and/or laugh. Rehearse a positive (feel-good) song you like in your head. Smiles are definitely more inviting than a serious look. Address Negative Thoughts You can combat negative expectations by addressing them and then letting them go. They will only make you more anxious when it comes time to actually speaking to a girl. Relax. Breathe. What's in your head is not happening and if you continue to think that way you might just make it happen. And besides, when you're in your head too much, again you will miss being with the girl. Whenever you find yourself thinking negatively, then address it and figure out why you are thinking that way. Is it a likely outcome, has it happened before? Maybe something embarrassing has happened in previous times that you don't want to happen and it stuck. Have you ever seen the movie "The Hangover"? There's a scene where Mr. Chow (Ken Jeong) asked Phil (Bradley Cooper) "But did you die?" That iconic line should be your go-to reality check statement when your mind decides to go back to those embarrassing moments. Revisiting those moments is just not helpful. It will most likely not set you up for your A game. More often than not just gaining perspective on worst-case scenario thinking will help you see that these thoughts are grounded in illogical fear. List these scenarios out whether on paper or in your head and then think about the outcome they will have. It’s not as bad as you think. Let these negative thoughts go. They will not help you be yourself around women, in fact, they will make you feel more anxious when you’re talking to them. Positivity is beautiful, so when you find yourself thinking of the worst-case scenario, address it, gain some perspective, and move on. Managing High Expectations - Letting Go of the Outcome Having high expectations regarding a situation can be just as bad as having low expectations. High expectations are when you think of the best possible outcome happening. The reason this can be bad is that it can lead to disappointment. Learn to take things slow from the very beginning. Don't rush things. Again: Relax. Breathe. When you put pressure on a situation to turn out the way you expect you won’t be enjoying each moment as it comes. Try to respond genuinely without expectations, this way, the conversation and situation progress naturally. Overconfidence Another unfortunate aspect of having high expectations is that it will often make you feel overconfident in how things are actually going. You aren’t really seeing how girls are reacting to conversations because, in your mind, you’re thinking of the ideal outcome. You may be thinking how you are going to ask her out or the spectacular goodnight kiss you two will share. Meanwhile, she’ll be wondering why you aren’t trying to get to know her. You may just be excited, but expecting too much out of your date puts a lot of pressure on the girl you are taking out. You’ll seem cocky, or worse, selfish if your high expectations interfere with the natural progression of things. Read more about the difference between cocky and confident here. Having high expectations also doesn’t give you the chance to see how you might feel about the situation. Your high expectations could have you ending up in situations you don’t want to be in or with someone you don’t really click with. Let high expectations go and live in the moment. Go into any situation with the mindset anything can happen instead of putting pressure on yourself. You never know you could be missing out on an even better outcome while hoping for something else. Disappointment - When things don't go as planned So, we’ve all been there. We expect to have the best time somewhere then something happens or doesn’t happen, and we feel defeated. It's important to learn from the situation when this happens. You can take every situation as a win or a lesson learned. So you didn't get a chance to ask her out because you froze right before you were going to and you were disappointed in yourself. Find out what stopped you from asking her out on a date. Were you afraid of being rejected? Was there a lack of confidence? Ask one of your buddies to help you sort it out if you're having a hard time figuring it out. Learn from it and take action. Have a positive attitude and let go of all expectations, both the good and the bad. This way, you are in the moment reacting genuinely and allowing the conversation flow. Be a Good Listener I'll let you in on a secret. Everyone's favorite topic is himself or herself. In one of the personal development I've taken, I had to practice listening for what is said and what is not being said. The keyword is "practice" and a lot of it. If you want to be comfortable around a girl, just let her talk and really listen. Pay attention to her body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. I wrote a couple of articles on the meaning of body language such as what foot pointing means as it relates to attraction and the right kind of eye contact. (Check them out. There are some real "ninja" things to look out for that will give you an advantage in your conversation.) This is a great way for you to get to know her because she's doing all the talking. Being a good listener is not always easy. Our minds are always thinking of something else and if you are only listening so that you have something back to say, then were you really listening? Here's an example. My husband talks A LOT. Sometimes he talks so much that I zone out (sorry babe). He also knows when I'm listening to him. Over the years I have developed better communication skills and he can tell when I am listening or not because when I listen, he feels heard. When I don't I'm trying to fix his problems and I completely miss the point. He will then say, "Are you listening to me?" and I say "Yeah of course!" and he'll ask me to repeat what he just said. If I can't repeat the last three sentences back, then he knows, I didn't listen. If that was the case, I ask him to repeat what he's saying and then I keep quiet until he's done. I'll only interrupt him if I needed him to clarify something or help me understand something. The point I'm making is listening is key. It's easier to be with someone who can listen and make you feel heard. Girls love being heard. Who doesnt? Even more, girls love being heard and understood. So, do less of talking, more of listening and asking questions. The good news is you can learn to become a better listener, and in turn, you’ll end up having a great conversation or at the very least avoid uncomfortable silence. How to Actively Listen to the Girl You Like Active listening is when we really pay attention to what people are saying by understanding the emotions and motive behind the words they speak. This means you aren’t on your phone, waiting to say something, or thinking about something random when someone else is speaking to you. Understanding Why People Are Talking The key to active listening is to pay attention to what the motive is behind what other people are trying to tell you. Are they venting, needing comfort, trying to get your opinion, wanting help problem-solving, or anything else? You can tell the motive or emotion driving what people say quite easily. They may laugh, ask what you think, display emotional facial expressions, or speak in a tone associated with how they are feeling. If any of that sounds difficult, don’t worry people also often state how something they are talking about makes them feel anyway. The importance of understanding why someone is sharing something with you in the place is that it will allow you to know how to respond. It will help you get more interested in what they are saying as well. How to Show Her You Are Listening There are several ways to show someone you are listening to them during a conversation using non-verbal and verbal communication. You’ll notice yourself do these things naturally when ’you’re really interested in a conversation. A few examples of non-verbal and verbal communication that show you are listening are: Nodding- A head nod should be used as a quick yes or when you agree with a statement. Appropriate Facial Expressions-It doesn’t need to be overdramatic expressions, but widening your eyes or looking sympathetic at the right time will show others you care. Eye Contact- Eye contact is a crucial part of being a good listener. It shows that you are engaged and interested. It will also help you keep focused on the conversation. Questions- Ask people questions after they speak. This will show that you’re interested in knowing more. Short Responses- If someone is telling you a story, keep your responses short, so you don’t interrupt. A few examples of quick responses are okay, really, I see, wow, and anything else that doesn’t derail the conversation. Following Up- To really show that you are listening, ask questions a couple of days after an important conversation. There are many ways to show someone you are listening, but remember to be listening. It won’t matter how many times you nod your head if once they ask you a question, your response is, huh? These tips will not substitute actually paying attention to what other people are saying. Stay Calm When we are nervous or anxious, it becomes impossible to act normal. We can’t focus, our heart begins to beat faster, and it becomes hard to catch our breath. Our mental state begins to affect our body’s physiology, and it’s all downhill from there. Nervousness starts in our mind from a place of fear. Once our body starts exhibiting outward signs of this fear, it becomes harder to be ourselves around others. How to Make a Great First (and Lasting) Impression on the Girl You are Interested in It’s important to stay calm around girls. If you want to come off as calm and collected, you will have to learn how to get rid of fear and learn how to calm your body down when you begin showing signs of nervousness. Control the outward signs of nervousness Becoming overly talkative Shallow breaths Sweating Stammering Stuttering Being too silent Slouching Not connecting with others Maintaining Good Breathing with Someone You Like A great way to calm yourself down when you’re nervous is to try different breathing techniques. Deep breathing decreases stress levels in the body by increasing oxygen levels. There are a lot of different breathing techniques you can choose from that will help you remain calm. Do your research. Find something that will work for you. I like using this breathing app on my Apple Watch. Pursed Lip Breathing Technique To follow this breathing technique, follow these steps: Inhale deeply through your nose for about 4 seconds. Purse your lips. Exhale through pursed lips slowly. Repeat this process for 10 minutes. Nostril and Mouth Breathing Technique To follow this breathing technique, follow these steps: Inhale through nostrils for 4 to 5 seconds. Exhale through the mouth as slowly as possible. Repeat this process. Alternating Nostril Breathing Technique To follow this breathing technique, follow these steps: Cover your right nostril with thumb. Inhale through your left nostril deeply. Cover your left nostril with your pinky and ring finger. Exhale through your right nostril. Alternate this technique by switching nostrils and repeat. Try using these techniques before a date or any event that makes you incredibly nervous. Even just taking deep breaths will help you keep calm under pressure. Changing Your Mindset When you are feeling nervous about something, try to remember a time you felt completely confident in yourself. You probably stood up straight and conversed with ease because you weren’t focused on things going wrong, instead you were confident in things going right. Channel a more confident approach to a situation that makes you nervous by imagining how you felt doing something you were good at or around people that made you feel comfortable. Whenever nervousness creeps into your mind, remind yourself that you’ve been confident before and that you can be just as sure of yourself again. Take Your Time (Girls need to feel that things are unfolding naturally) Sometimes when you are nervous, you hurry through conversations and dates, so you can stop the negative feelings that come with feeling shy. Unknowingly this comes off as if you would rather be doing something else. You don’t want to rush through dates, conversations, and anything else. You want to enjoy your time and take your time when around girls. Give yourself time to respond to the conversation in a thoughtful manner. Take breaths between sentences and give the person you are talking to time to respond. The takeaway on getting noticed and getting her number Being confident around girls can be challenging at first, but if you take the pressure off of the situation, stay calm, and be true to yourself you will be just fine. Being yourself around girls isn’t all about you. It's really about her without losing yourself in the process, isn't it? Listen to what she is saying and why she is saying it as well. Don't make her feel you just want to get into her pants, wink. This will help you have a genuine conversation that can lead to a deeper development in the relationship. You don’t have to be the ideal, cool guy to be comfortable around girls. Girls' opinion about the "ideal cool guy" is very subjective. A lot of girls like the bad-boy types but if you were to ask me, I'm into nerds and funny guys. They are my ideal cool guys. Be yourself, relax and have fun. You are worth it. If you are still trying to find out if she is "into you," read my article on foot pointing and attraction to get a clue on how you are doing.